You might want to read About Me first on the top my blog to get to know a little bit more of me and then start to read the story.
我建议你先阅读我博客上方的‘关于我’模块，先多了解一些我的情况，然后再读这个故事。
- Part 1: Knowing 第一部分 相识
I have tried since the beginning of 2017, to date local Australian gay guys but they were whether looking for fun, or not interested in me. I had and have 0 interests of hooking up, and I happened to know that there is an App called OKCupid that might help, so I started using it.
我从2017年开始就尝试跟本地的澳大利亚gay约会，但是他们不是只想玩乐约炮，就是对我不感兴趣。我对约炮没有任何兴趣，偶然得知了有个应用（网站）叫做OKCupid，这个可能有用，所以我就开始用它。
Not long after that, since I have checked a few ‘restrictions’ (such as gay, demisexual, and race etc) I ended up on finding this Brazilian guy, we have more than 90% of matching rate(based on the questions we have answered), and his profile is interesting enough to catch my eyes, so I started talking to him.
不久之后，因为我勾选了几个限制条件（比如说同性恋，半无性恋，还有种族偏好等），我最后找到了这个巴西人，我们有90%以上的，基于回答的问题的匹配率，他的资料也特别的吸引我的眼球，我开始跟他聊天。
After a while, I fell in love with him, he was in Chile travelling alone and in a few days was on the way back to Brazil, killing time and chatting with me at a StarBucks near the Airport of Santiago de Chile, I decide to do a crazy thing: I managed to contact a local Chinese guy by using Facebook groups and paid him on WeChat to help me deliver a Rose to him as soon as possible, the Rose was delivered and we are later in relationship. I had complete trust in him and I felt really happy.
不一会，我觉得我爱上他了，他当时在智利一个人旅游，然后几天后他就要回巴西了，在他在机场附近的星巴克跟我聊天跟打磨时间的时候，我决定做一件很疯狂的事情: 我通过脸书群组联系到了一个智利本地的中国人，我通过微信付了他钱，他帮我把这朵用最快的速度送到了。几天以后我们正式进入了情侣关系，我对他给予完全的信任，我也非常的开心。
He was working for a big international IT company, not paid too much but it is a stable job in Brazil, when there is a Mid-Autumn Festival, I tried everything I can to find Brazilian Chinese people to send me mooncakes to his house, I have made two Tantalum Rings(99.9995% purity and it’s more corrosion resistant than gold) and sent his to him with my favourite chocolate. he says in the beginning that he doesn’t like surprises at all. Of course he sent me something back too, a doggie toy and a pair of chopsticks. I have been writing letters to him too.
他为一家大型的国际IT公司工作，工资不是很高，但是算是一份稳定的工作，中秋节的时候我想尽一切找了在巴西的华人给他送去了几盒月饼，我做了2个钽金属的戒指（纯度99。9995%，比纯金还耐腐蚀），把其中一个给了他，并且附上了我最喜欢吃的巧克力。当然他也有送给我东西，一双筷子跟一个狗狗的玩具。
After more than a year, I really want him to come to see me, as he wants to migrate to countries like Canada(his first choice) and Australia, he really doesn’t have much money, he said it is his last chance of going out of Brazil etc… after months of preparation, he quit his job and decided to come to Australia: I have given him a choice, to apply for a visit visa first and then student visa, if we fit and then I can marry him and help him with Permanent Residency.
大概一年多以后，我真的想跟他奔现，他也一直想移民到加拿大或者澳洲之类的国家，但是他真的没多少钱，他说这是他最后离开巴西的机会等。 几个月的准备以后，他辞去了工作来到了澳洲：我给了他这个选择，申请旅游签证，然后申请学生签证，如果我们合得来，我可以跟他结婚，帮他拿到PR。
- Part 2: Meeting 相遇.
On November 2019, he came to Australia, we were happy that we finally met. We lived together from November 2019 to January 2020, and then July 2020, because I have left Australia for seeking help with my diet and emotional collapse. I felt something weird but since it’s my first relationship I don’t really understand what was wrong, I gave everything I can to him but seemingly I don’t get anything back. My friend later(after we broke up) told me that he saw no love from my ex to me.
在2019年11月的时候，他来到了澳大利亚，我们很开心最后能够相见，我们从2019年11月到2020年1月在一起，然后7月份的时候在一起，中间我离开了澳洲回到中国，因为我精神崩溃，饮食崩坏，在这中间我感到我们的感情有点奇怪，但是因为这是我第一段感情，我也不知道什么东西错了，我付出了我所有能给的一起，但是我好像什么回报都没有得到，我朋友(在我们分手之后）告诉我他能看出来我的前任对我根本没有爱。
- Part 3: Problems 问题所在
We had deals to be always true and honest and non-partial to each other, so I never really have doubt anything he said to me, that’s the START OF MY NIGHTMARE.
我们曾有过承诺，对对方永远要真诚，诚实，必须说完整的话。所以我在这一段感情的时候从来没有怀疑他对我说的话，而这成为了我噩梦的开始。
I seldom felt loved during the time living with him, but I thought it was just my problem or maybe different personalities because he said he loves me. I never doubt he loved me.
我基本上在跟他住一起的时候完全感受不到悲哀，但是我仅仅认为这是我自己的问题或者是性格不同的问题，因为他说他是爱我的，我从来没有怀疑过他爱我这个事实。
I was very nervous about my permanent visa so I started binge eating in June 2019, it had a very bad influence on my health, I haven’t hidden anything from him so he knew this and the only thing I have asked him when he arrived was ‘If I eat sugar, please STOP ME NO MATTER WHAT‘, instead I got a response’ I am not your Mom, I can remind you not to eat if you try to eat sugar but I cannot control/stop you’. I thought it was a personality different and he just wanted to set me free. Of course that’s what he did when he came here in Novermeber. I needed strong support and he wouldn’t give me that, he thinks I have too much expectations from him. LOL.
在2019年6月的时候我非常担心我的PR能不能下， 所以我开始暴饮暴食，这对我身体健康影响很坏，我也没跟他隐瞒这件事，但是我跟他求了一件事，也只有这件事，在他来的时候 “如果我吃糖，请你无论如何都要阻止我吃”，我等到的他的回复是 “我不是你妈，我可以提醒你不吃糖，但是我不能阻拦/控制你”。他11月份到的时候也是这样做的。 我以为这也是人个人性格的问题，他只想让我自由。我当时需要强大的支援，但是他给不了，然后他还怪我对他的期望太高了。
And I haven’t been intimate with him either, we only had three times of sex, I topped him twice and I asked him to fuck me once but he’s too big so we failed and he doesn’t seem willingly to have sex with me, I thought it was a personality issue too, maybe he just doesn’t like sex, you know some demisexual people have less sexual desires. I accepted it.
我从来就没觉得我跟他亲密过，我们只做过三次爱，我做攻两次，还有一次他试图进入，但是他太大了所以失败了，同时他看起来也不是很情愿跟我做爱，我也以为这是性格问题，也许他根本不喜欢做爱呢？你也知道很多半无性恋者是不喜欢做爱的。
I have paid for his cellphone bills in advance for a year before he arrives and I picked up a very good cellphone number for him, I have paid the whole 9 months of rent, electricity and utility bills for him(at least $10,000) I helped him getting his tourist visa and paid the agent fee for applying his student visa, I have bought very good quit and new sheets from him ($300), I have bought fridge, oven and induction top and cooker for him. I have done everything I can to make him feel safe and cared.. guess what I have got in the end?
在他来之前，我提前给他预付好了1年的手机费，我给他选了一个非常好的电话号码，（他住的这9个月），所有的房租，水电费，杂费都是我一个人出的（起码一万刀），我帮助他申请了旅游签证，我把申请学生签的中介费用也提前出了，我为了买了新的床单被子（至少300刀），我买了冰箱，烤箱，电磁炉还有锅子给他，我做了一切我能做的事情让他感到关心与安全，猜猜我最后得到了什么？
I was confronting with him a week ago and he said he never tried (to love/care about me) in the beginning because I have high expectations.
我上一周跟他对质，他说，他一开始就没有试图（爱过，或者关心我），因为我的期待太高了。
My world collapsed, I left Australia because I have perceived no love or care from him, causing my depression go deeper, my diet went south because I don’t really get any support from him, I DIDN’T BLMAE HIM for not giving me enough love and love, because I thought it was true that he loves me and it’s just personality difference and I had to accept that difference, since I was down I didn’t want him to suffer and there was nothing he can offer so I came back to China to seek help from my mother with recovering my healthy diet and BTW, THANK MOTHER, I am back to trace.
我的世界崩溃了，我离开澳大利亚是因为我感受不到来自他的爱跟关怀，我的抑郁更严重了，我的饮食黄了，就是因为我根本感受不到他的任何关怀，我没有怪他不给我爱或者关心，因为我相信他爱我，这一切都是性格差异，我必须要接受这种差异。因为我心情低落我不想他受折磨，所以我跟我妈妈说，为了恢复健康我只能回中国呆一段时间疗养。题外话，感谢妈妈，我现在已经步入正轨。
I started to realise/doubt we are not gonna work in June/July 2020, I have told him so and he accepted it, we decided to talk about that when I am back,
我开始怀疑我们的感情没法成功是在6，7月的时候，我告诉他这件事，他也接受，我们打算回来的时候再谈谈。
I had gout attack when I was back in my own apartment on July , I still treated him as a partner but we are not gonna continue relationship very quickly, as is well known, people who have gout attack are in great need of water constantly(in my case at least for every half hour), I literally wasn’t able to move at all. So I asked him to please bring me some water that I have boiled(even though I couldn’t move but I still boiled water and mixed then with cold water), he said he has to play cellphone games called Sky and asked me to wait for 15 minutes. He actually ended up not passing me water at all during my whole month of gout attack. When I ask him why because he literally was able to get the water in 2 seconds and another 2 seconds to deliver it to me, he said we were not couple anymore, so he doesn’t have the responsibility of doing that to me. How manipulative was that! I mean even for normal friends if he is having gout attack I would at least deliver as often and much water as possible for him.
7月我回澳洲自己的公寓的时候，我痛风发作了，我这时候仍然把他当作我的伴侣但是我们已经不打算继续这段感情了，众所周知，痛风的人需要特别多的水，而且需要的频率很高（对我来说半个小时必须喝一次水），我痛到完全没法动，我请他给我把水递过来（虽然我不能动，但是我还是忍痛把水烧开跟冷水混合一起），他说他在玩一款手机游戏叫做Sky，要我等15分钟，实际上，在我痛风发作的者一个月里，他一次水也没给我递过。 我问他为什么不给我递水，水就在他手边上，2秒钟拿得到，2秒钟递过来， 他说，我们又不是情侣了，我没有这个义务给你递水。这就有点变态了，就算是我跟我最普通的朋友住在一起，如果他痛风发作，他想要我多频繁给他送多少水，我都心甘情愿。
Also, during my gout attack, I asked him to buy me food in the nearby restaurant which is 200 metres away, he always asked me to transfer the money back to his bank account every day. (it’s just $2o for about 7 days) so he asked 7 times of $20. Imagine how much money I have spent for this relationship, it really hurt me.
在我痛风期间，我叫他给我从200米外的餐厅买食物，他每次都叫我把他花的钱给他转回去（大概20刀，持续7天），他就问了我7次。想象一下我在这份感情里投的钱。这真的伤害到了我。
That’s when I realise there is some fundamental problems with our relationship(though we have broke up already), I started to think about the little things that happened in our relationship, then I realised he might never tried to love me.
这时候我才意识到我们的感情有本质上的问题（就算我们当时已经分手），我开始回想起来以前的小事，我意识到了 他可能没有爱过我。
- I left my Mercedes Cars in Australia and only asked him to start my car once a week, he stopped doing it after 3 weeks. I asked my friend to move my cars once and took the key so he assumed I don’t need this car to be started. my car literally broke down because of that, he never asked to clarify but only assuming.(will your partner do this to you?)
- He told me that I shouldn’t have any expectations.
- He never touched me actively.
- He wants to sleep in another bed after a month of staying with me, I was really suicidal and got really angry about this.
1.我的奔驰留在澳洲，我嘱咐他一定要一周给我的车启动一次，他三周以后就没这么做过了。在期间我叫我朋友给我挪动过一个车位，我朋友把钥匙拿走了，他假象我的车就交给别人托付了就再也没问过我一个字，我车就这么坏了。（你的对象会对你做这种事吗？）
I confronted him last week which actually confirmed my theory, I stopped blaming myself not loving him enough or understanding him enough, instead it’s mostly his fault. （because he never told me the truth). he said to me finally:
上周我跟他对质过，正好确认了我的猜想/理论，我开始不再怪我自己对他是不是爱的不够或者是不够理解他，实际上，主要都是他的错（因为他一直不说实话）, 他最后跟我说了：
He has never tried in the beginning to love or care me because I would not open up.(excuse me?)
他一开始就没试过爱我或者关心我因为我不肯对他敞开心扉（excuse me?)
He never wanted to have sex because he doesn’t love me and he doesn’t feel intimate to me.
他从来不想跟我做爱因为他不爱我，他觉得跟我不亲密。
He assumes telling me that will make no difference so he never told me and blames me on acting angrily and suicidal (but only twice in total and it’s because he touched my bottom line).
他觉得告诉我这些也不会有任何改变，他怪我（其实仅有2次，他触及到了我的底线。），表现的暴躁以及有自杀倾向。
Part 4: Conclusion 总结
Glad I finally don’t blame myself anymore, he is just selfish and using me as a tool.
很开心我最后不怪我自己了，他就是一个自私的，把我当成工具利用的人而已。